1000 Goodbyes
by nutmeg17
Summary: AU where Dean goes back to hunting after meeting and settling down with human Cas, short and sad. "They said their goodbyes last night. They said goodbye in the gentle touches and the desperate kisses they shared. Their goodbyes stung their eyes and spilled down their cheeks. It was silently spoken 1000 ways last night."


They said their goodbyes last night. They said goodbye in the gentle touches and the desperate kisses they shared. Their goodbyes stung their eyes and spilled down their cheeks. It was silently spoken 1000 ways last night.

Goodbye was whispered in the way Dean held Cas against his chest, ran his fingers threw his hair, whispering 'always'. It was spoken in return as Cas clung to Dean, head on his chest listening to his heart beat, fingers caressing heated skin whispering back 'forever'.

They said goodbye for hours, but standing in front of each other now for the last time, it meant nothing. The closure and finality they felt when they woke, still clinging to each other was gone. It hurt more than either could imagine.

Cas stood in front of him, not knowing what to say. He had already said goodbye and in many ways has already grieved his lover's death.

_**When Dean first told Cas about his decision to leave, to re-join the hunt to stop the resurrection of the 'first evil', he refused to either acknowledge or accept what he was being told. Dean and him were happy and in love, or so he thought. It wasn't real it couldn't have been. Dean promised he was through with hunting, so it couldn't have been real, he couldn't leave.**_

_**Then he shouted and lashed out at him as tears streamed down his cheeks. 'how could you leave me?!' rang throughout the house that night.  
>"You have given enough Dean! It is not your war!" eyes so full of tears he could barely see "you shouldn't have to go" Dean tried to comfort him but was just pushed away.<br>"What would happen to the world is every person like me stopped doing what we do? What would happen to you?" he tried to reason with him, Cas didn't want to see reason, he was so angry he was blind to everything that wasn't his anger.  
>"Don't turn this on me! I want you here! I don't want to you being hero, I want you with me!"<br>"Cas."  
>"I want you safe at home."<strong>_

He looked up to the eyes of the man he loved. Knowing that this was the last time he'd see those beautiful green eyes, his heart broke even more.

_**He looked into Dean's eyes and remembered begging Dean not to go. Offering him everything he had and everything he was to get him to stay, it hadn't worked. **_

_**After not eating and barely speaking for days, he finally faced up to the reality, he was not enough.  
>"I'll be back" Dean almost whispered in an attempt of comfort, he sounded so sincere Cas almost believed him, almost.<br>"No you won't. You don't have to lie to me, you can't lie to me dean. Even if somehow you survive you won't be back."  
>"Cas."<br>"It's true." He whispered before succumbing to another wave of tears.**_

_**Cas finally accepted their separate fates, the ending of everything that they had built. He finally accepted his decision last night.**_

And now? Now as he was facing their last few minutes together, he was devastated. It felt as if someone cut into his chest with a blunt knife and reopened the wound and decided to squeeze his heart just to watch Cas loose his breath from the pain.

He wanted to cry and scream at the same night, to punch him and hug him, to never let him go. But he couldn't, everything he could say has already been said. He couldn't get Dean to change his mind. He simply wasn't enough to make him stay.

A silent tear fell down his cheek as he watched Dean kiss his knuckles. The lump in Cas' throat was so big he could barely breathe; he was almost choking from it.

He watched Dean try to keep it together, face red, hands shaking and tears constantly flowing.

They shared one last longing desperate kiss. They gently rested their foreheads together when pulling away. They stayed that way for a few moments, breathing each other in, feeling each other's warmth for the last time.

"I love you Cas, so much" he whispered stroking Cas' wet cheeks.  
>"I, I love you too. I know, I know this is it, but I'll still wait for you."<p>

Dean silently handed over a small piece of paper before he placed a gentle kiss on Cas' forehead before turned to his car and leaving Cas' life forever, glad the man didn't turn back, he would have broken.

He watched the love of his life walk out his life. Slowly he opened the paper it had one word written across it. "Always."

His legs collapsed under him and he fell in a heap to the ground. The broken man Gasped for breath. He was in so much pain it was as if someone ripped him apart and left him bleeding on the ground. After a little while he had simply cried too many tears, there was nothing left. He was merely dry heaving and retching onto the pavement. Fingers sore and bleeding from clawing at the concrete trying to calm down and get his breath, "Forever" he choked as he started pulling at his clothes he was too hot and it was too hard to breath, smearing small amounts of blood across his clothes.

The exhaustion calming him down soon enough, after several attempts he pulled himself up and into the house. He collapsed onto the couch mind swirling, hands shaking, vison fuzzy and stomach churning, he didn't have the energy to do anything to lessen his pain.

There was nothing to lessen the pain, Dean was gone.


End file.
